Dear Younger Me
By Ester Adormio
Dear Younger Teng,
So, your siblings tease you. They say you’re thin and you look like an ogre. I also know that you and our sister always fight over our favorite noodles and egg dish, worth 20 pesos in your time.
But that’s fine, don’t mind them. Getting mad at them only motivates them to tease you more. Don’t worry about it because the love and care you feel for your siblings will never waver, believe me. In fact, this will help make you stronger for tougher times ahead. There will always be good times for our family. But during the bad ones, you and our family will stay strong.
There is sorrow in your heart because you long for a father’s love. Yes, mom loves you very much. She always carries you in her arms when you cry, provides you food and your personal needs, and gives to you everything else that she can wholeheartedly and with joy in her heart.
But you are getting older and becoming more aware about the absence of a father in your life. After school, you always notice that your classmates get picked up by their fathers while you head for home alone. You can’t help but shed some tears, and I know how painful that feels for you. In fact, years will pass, and you will feel anger and hatred towards a father you have never met. You will feel his absence even more as you see that mom is always the one providing for the family while your elder sister watches over you in her absence.
“Please forgive me for not putting you first – your needs, your fears, your concerns – for letting you put others’ emotional needs first before your own.”
I am writing to you now to say that I am sorry for the times that I didn’t care about your emotions, for being so clueless about your feelings and not recognizing that your needs and wounds should come first. I am sorry for not providing you with the support that you deserve as you struggle. Staying strong is hard as you are burdened with a difficult past, and you try to handle things on your own. Please forgive me for not putting you first – your needs, your fears, your concerns – for letting you put others’ emotional needs first before your own.
But you will finally get the chance to speak with father, and this will be one of the happiest times of your life as you both will talk regularly. He will call you on the phone everyday just to say hello and to ask how you are. Your heart will soften, and you will start to feel forgiveness for him. You will not miss the opportunity to express your love and tell him that you have missed him. You will say to him that you will still choose to be his daughter if you had to live your life again. I am so proud of you because no matter how hard it is for you to show mercy and to be graceful, you will still find it in yourself to forgive him.
Time will come when communication with father will be less frequent. His phone calls will be days in between, then weeks, and then months, and you will start worrying if he’s alright. And after a while, you will receive a text message from your elder sister. Father has died due to an illness.
When you look at him laid peacefully in his coffin, you will come to realize that you will never have the chance to speak to him again. But you will not feel any bitterness. Only happiness. Because your heart has healed. The burden you feel has been lifted. There are no more regrets.
Thank you, Teng. Because of you, I have learned to forgive. And because of forgiveness, I have learned how to live.
Love,
Ate Teng
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